Drunken Spider

I was again alone in Africa, this day in a hut in the Olifants Camp of Kruger National Park in South Africa. Even though I travel Africa alone seemingly a brave girl soldiering forth in life, I am also somewhat of a girly girl and the girly girl came out one day in that hut when I went into the bathroom to pee. All was well as I walked in until - on the wall above the toilet - I spotted a huge spider. It may seem like the big fish that got away story but in my mind this guy had legs a foot long! How could I pee with him on the wall? What the heck was I going to do? What if I started to pee and he jumped on me? The scenarios that ran through my brain had no good outcomes.

I tip toed backwards out of the bathroom back into the main room of the hut and sat on the bed for probably a short eternity debating the situation. Bottom line: I had to pee, so I crept back into the bathroom to see if the spider was still on the wall and indeed he was. I don’t know if I would have felt better if he wasn’t because I would then wonder where the heck he went. The dilemma I found myself in was profound.

I looked for something to remove the spider; a flyswatter or anything. I had nothing except my shoe, and I didn’t want him on my shoe and I really didn't want to kill him but realized my options were few. A light bulb went off in my head albeit a dim one. I went into my cool box and opened a Savannah Dry. I was going to drown him in alcohol. I stood as far away from him as I could and still reach above him then tilted the bottle, prepared to bolt should he move. Disappointingly he stayed firmly in place as the liquid poured over him and onto the floor. As I came to the last drop in the bottle he was still attached to the wall. The cider was puddled on the floor beneath him.

I went back into the main room and shook my head flabbergasted at the audacity of that spider. I opened another Savannah Dry; this one for me as I tried to drown my fear in alcohol but that did nothing but make me have to pee more....

I went back in the bathroom. The spider was still right there on the wall. I looked around the bathroom in desperation and defeat. Ah Ha! I spotted a toilet brush. That’s the weapon! I took that toilet brush and bravely swung it at the spider. He moved. I screamed, slung the brush to places unknown and ran out of the bathroom. He may as well have been a black mamba chasing me.

A few minutes later back in the main room I was still desperate to pee. I crept back into the bathroom to see the state of the situation. I found the spider on the floor seemingly was doing the backstroke in the cider. I had no choice. I peed watching the swimming spider with scrutiny.

Two hours later I was talking to a ranger in the shop and told him of my huge spider. I have no idea how that conversation even began. After describing my gigantic monster spider to the ranger he said it was nothing but a harmless spider they call a flattie.

I didn’t bother to tell him that my spider was indeed now harmless since it was in my hut still alive but drunk doing the backstroke in a puddle of Savanah Dry!